


Schizophrenic Conversations

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Canon, Drama, Future, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-08-15
Updated: 2005-08-15
Packaged: 2018-12-26 23:52:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12069525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Brian tries to cope with something unexpected.





	Schizophrenic Conversations

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

**Rough night. Hell, it has been a rough week. Maybe that is why this happened. Why else would I suddenly throw a punch towards a ghost?**

_Are you afraid, afraid of the truth_  
in the mirror staring back at you  
The image is cracked but so is the view here 

**I thought I had gotten past him. He’s dead and gone yet he still haunts me. I _saw_ him. Now I stare at the broken mirror and sigh.**

_and the strength of a tree begins in the roots_  
That I tend to bury in you  
At least now the storm can’t blow me away 

**Before, an encounter like this would have me losing myself in drugs and men. Even though the urge is still present, I have the strength to refrain…for the most part. Beam still offers me comfort, though it is fleeting.**

_So crawl inside my head with me,_  
I’ll show you how, it feels to be  
To blame like me 

**I don’t know how much I drank. I stumble to bed and lay here with swimming thoughts of doubts and self loathing, slowly succumbing to an unsettling sleep.**

_Should I be afraid of this face that I see  
In the mirror staring back at me_

**Hung over I see my imperfections in the harsh light of day. I see him within myself. The realization terrifies me.**

_So cold were the days when I listened to you.  
And you say that I’m weak so show me the proof_

**I have not been here since the funeral. I don’t know why I am here now, but something brought me. I stare down at his tombstone. “ _Beloved husband and father…_ ” The lie brings my anger to the surface.**

_Cause I still exist inspite of you  
But I won’t compete with you every day,_

**“FUCK YOU, JACK!” I scream as I kick and spit at his grave. “I AM SUCCESSFUL DESPITE YOUR CRUEL WORDS AND HARD FISTS…I AM LOVED.”**

_So crawl inside my head with me,_  
I’ll show you how, it feels to be,  
To blame like me. 

**Exhausted and spent, I lean against his grave and cry. Why does he still have such power over me?**

_Schizophrenic conversations that  
I’m always having with myself,_

**The self doubt is always there. Forever embedded in my mind. No matter what I do Jack made sure I would always feel worthless.**

_I hear these voices in my head competing  
Maybe I could use a little help,_

**Justin. He has always given me the strength and courage to fight my demons. I need him now, before I get so lost in these melancholy thoughts that I can never return.**

_I still have Schizophrenic conversations when there’s  
no one else around to hear_

**He can’t be with me 24/7 despite the desire to do so. And in those times when I am alone I have to cope. The usual pain management techniques no longer apply.**

_And I long for solitude and peace within me  
Void of all the anger and the fear_

**Unable to reach Justin, I throw the empty Beam bottle against the wall. The shattered glass liters the floor and offers no relief to my inner turmoil.**

_So crawl inside my head with me,_  
It’ll show you how, it feels to be  
Fucked up like me 

**I find myself standing at Debbie’s front door. She takes me in her arms with no questions or unsolicited advice. Seated on the sofa, I fall asleep with my head in her lap as she strokes my hair.**

_I’ll show you how, it feels to be_  
To blame like me  
ashamed like me 

**I come home to find Justin here from New York, waiting in our bed. He wraps his arms around me as I lay next to him. “ _I love you, Brian_.” **

**For the first time in days I feel peace.**

* * *

**_The song is called 'Schizophrenic Conversations' by Staind_ **


End file.
